insight


"and im supposed to walk away from here..."

sunday june 4 2000 12.57pm "and whos life do i lead, whos air do i breath, with whos skin and whos blood do i feel, what happens now? have i done something wrong? forgive my need to breath right now...please forgive my need to breath, i have so much to say. it wouldnt matter anyway, youre not here to hear these words i need to say. and im convinced inside theres nothing more..." please someone, help take me away from this. im more than lost.

thursday june 8 2000 1.18pm at marikas. graduation yesterday. nothing today. alive but not happy. at least not sad. think people are funny but god forbid i mention it. nevermind, i understand that one. think people are tired of me. understand that somewhat. think people are hard to figure out. want food. want shower. want something new.

sunday june 11 2000 just so everyone knows, i only write in here when im feeling sad depressed angry bitter or anything like that. so dont worry when this is all you know of what im going through...im happy a lot as well. i am happy right now. :) hmm... "no name...no slogan...no name..." lalala. mom is cooking fish for dinner, yay. mom is cooking dinner yay! hehehe how cool that were all going to eat together. i still havent gotten those cure tickets, and the show is in six days. tomorrow im going to sit on my porch and watch for the mail people...and when they come im going to run out there fast as lightening to get my tickets. blah, looks like were not really eating together, mom is going out to the picnic table. :/ too bloody hot...yuck yuck yuck. byeeee.

wednesday june 14 2000 my ticket fin-al-ly came today. :) weeeee. i have decided that my family is completely insane. heh...its not just me. im am simply a product of one fucked up environment. and i guess thats a little easier to handle, for some reason. and maybe im just trying to blame someone else for my problems? ::shrug:: its likely. but whatever, thats me and thats all there is. maybe thats the problem, though, with all of us here? if we could just take the blame for our own mistakes, and stop trying to pass them off onto eachother, we could be happier as a family. it would take a lot of work to get there, and i cant even tell whos willing to put anything into it. :/ i guess ill do my own part...maybe theyll follow? ::shrug:: its worth a try. okay, i also think its more than worth mentioning that i looove vnv nation. woooow. i almost think theyre my second favorite band, right below the cure now. :) okay, im sick of this nonsence. picture on main. yay. :/ goodnight.--vanessa

thursday june 15 2000 1.26pm okay, for those of you who may have missed it, im making the infamous "gopal ninja" pic available to everyone. introducing, gopal metro bass player for the "cutting edge goth" band (according to cleoptra records ;) hehehe) bella morte! :) enjoy.
10pm well, its thursday, and i still havent heard from jess about my ride to the cure show. :/ egh. please check your email jess? please? ::sigh:: ive said that id hitchhike if i had to, but the truth is i wouldnt even know what direction to go in. ::sigh:: blah. "...does it seem so wrong if i now embrace every single thing ive never known..." lalala. mmm, i made the best taco things today. sooooo good! onions and cheese and MEAT! hehehe, and hot sauce and chili powder and salsa. goo-ood. anyway... hmm... what to talk about? we had a nice thunderstorm today. very nice. i went out and played in the mud while it was still raining. :) im such a child about things like that, but i dont care, i like it. ::shrug:: so...do i go to charlottesville tomorrow? probably not. theres nothing fun to do there. i prefer sitting here in front of this computer all day. i really do! in trying to explain in to my mother, i told her that while most people live in the "real world", and use their computers for entertainment, the computer has become my real world. and i guess the other one is entertainment. not very entertaining, but... ::shrug:: i cant get online for another eight minutes, :/ i hate these restrictions. okay, out for a cigarette then.

friday june 16 2000 1.40am you know, its funny how something can happen, something almost completely unexpected, and something wonderful...but for some reason, you just cant help but to sit there from time to time, still lonely, and wish for how it used to be. not all the time, not even all that often. but once in a while... ::shrug:: i dunno, i see how ive reached one "goal" if you will, and i wonder if just maybe i cant reach another. a little higher, a little more difficult. ::shrug:: anyway, this is probably one of those things i shouldnt say. "...it doesnt matter anyway...youre not here to hear these words that i must say..." :/ my hair looks cool. :) heh, big. i have to get some film for my camera. and im smuggling it into the cure concert (which i do have a ride to, thank you jess and ginny and lala!), and hopefully with the zoom lens i can get some moderately decent pictures. i would love to have my pics back up here, and under bands youll see "bella morte, the violet dawning, and the cure" hehehe. :) im estatic. okay, bye again.--vanessa

monday june 19 2000 1.07am
the cure was amazing. its too long of a story for me to tell AGAIN, so i think ill just post a message from the cgoth in here. jess did a briefer description than i thought was possible for the craziest/best/worst three days of my life. anyway, thats later. for right now...jeremy. i dont understand him at all. i understand everyone, except maybe justin, but i dont understand jeremy AT ALL. and i feel completely uncared for. maybe im too needy, maybe i expect too much, but this just feels too strange and not good at all. and id LIKE to understand him, but he doesnt let me. or maybe theres just not that much to understand? after all, i am a girl. we overanalyze. i do at least. i just thought that maybe this would be differant, and i see it slowly going the same way as it has every other time. i reeeaaally dont want that, for once. i want to think im capable of handling a mature relationship. blaaah. on a happier note, i was 35 feet away from robert smith. :) hes the most beautiful thing ive ever seen, so shy and humble and completely beautiful. i love him even that much more now. it was the greatest moment of my life up to this point, to be so close to him. to hear the songs ive sung along to so many times, to know every word and every chord. hearing "boys dont cry"...oh. god i love the cure. "riding on the met-ro-oo-oooo..."--vanessa

thursday june 22 2000 11.42am
so here i am. this is an update. take care.

friday june 23 2000 2.07am
so a little girl throws her penny into the wishing well, its all she has, and she wishes for the most extraordinarily simple thing she can imagine. she waits years upon more years for the wish to come true. every mistake shes ever made follows that penny into the wishing well, they form into a huuuge disgusting monster, which emerges and chases her around claiming to be her "wish, granted". but you know what? the wish was bullshit. the penny was placed in her hand by the people who broke her first dream. the water swallowed the penny and forgot the innocence of her wish, it sent her demons disguised instead of promises. and the monster was all she ever really deserved.

saturday june 24 2000 1.17am
goodbye boi. :/ i guess thats that. on to another subject now, i think. mom. :) cool. i let down a lot of my guards with her, opened up, and finally gave in and respected her as a mother , and suddenly all is well. were having a picnic tomorrow, rachel and mom and i, and going swimming a her friends pool. her millionaire friends pool, while he is away in europe. weeeee! should be fun. and then the dawning as always, v8 pussy is playing. egh ive just been reminded that i have to work on the poor cgoth, and rearrange some stuff of mine on egroups, so im off. lol im listening to apoptygma berzerk, havent done that in a while. :) okay later.--vanessa

monday june 26 2000 1.48am
well...i asked for something new, and i got it. :/ my god i got it. the newest and honestly strangest thing ive ever encountered in my life. even though it isnt that new, and really isnt strange at all. i really cant go into details, im afraid ill sound really silly. or im afraid of people scorning me. or im just afraid in general, i dont know. give me time, i guess eventually ill just say it all in here. lol im me, maybe ill tell you? hah. goodnight.--vanessa ps--i forgot to mention, went skinny dipping with bruce rebecca keven and marika. it was great, very freeing. wonderful. the most fun thing ive done in all the time i can remember. goodnight now, really.

2.02am
to boi: just one more time, i have to say something. i dont know why i keep reaching out for the very thing i cut away. i dont know. its not that i want to hold on, please dont mistake me, and its also not that i want to hurt you with my unfortunately light words. its just that, whether or not i want to admit it, there were many things you saw of me that no one else has seen. no one else has seen me cry, and no one else has held me while i did. and i dont know what that means, other than that...maybe i just want to come back to parts of you. just parts. you confuse the hell out of me, and i wont lie, you irritate the hell out of me. i dont understand you, and i dont know how to love things that i dont understand. and my attention span is too short to bother, unless i see effort on the other end as well. but i never did. what im getting towards saying is that i really will stop now, i wont im you or anything like that blah blah blah i just wanted to say goodbye the right way.--me

1.18pm
right. i was supposed to bring my application over to iy today, so as always (when going to cville) i got up at six this morning and rode in with mom. but wouldnt it be exactly like me to forget the fucking application!? so thats exactly what i did, wouldnt want to act out of character or anything. i dont want to do it tomorrow. i dont want to leave my house ever again. i want to be my mothers house maid. weeeee. i love techno. ::rolls eyes:: du-uh...--vanessa

tuesday june 27 2000 9.45pm
"and fighting time so hard i pray, that this moment lasts forever...and will the world stay standing still, just for me." i dont understand why i always love so easily, especially those who dont love me. i dont understand why i cling onto everything he says and does, and why every word and action means so much. i dont understand why i cant find that in someone who would love me back. maybe none of this is real anyway? too often i think that perhaps i have created all of it in my mind, that ive made it into something out of lonliness or pure insanity even. but i am not the only one who sees this, im sure! and if he were anyone else...if he were any other person than the one he is...i would believe everything. i would believe the unspoken words, the thoughts that run through my mind too fast to comprehend, and the visions that flicker past my eyes as i sleep...and dream. but hes not anyone else. and i love who he is, even though this is what it means. ::sigh::--vanessa

wednesday june 28 2000
well i know someone will be happy to see that i put all of my pictures back up. it took fucking long enough!! grr. im still in a bit of a weird mood, concerning...that one. im going to dl more vnv nation now. ::grin::--vanessa

thursday june 29 2000 6.42pm
"there is no always forever, just this. just this." wow i love my life, and at the same time i absolutely despise it. its a weird kind of balance...i guess. all the mistakes, i can only blame myself. everything that goes wrong, if i look long enough...i can only blame myself. so maybe ill stop bitching and do something about it? heh. maybe. tomorrow i will be bringing in that application to integral yoga, and then ill be staying in charlottesville for a few days while mums and rachel go to new york. id love to stay out here, but then id be stuck. :/ bor-ing. anyway, i guess laura is going to be in town tomorrow afternoon, so were going to go out to taco bell or something. :) and ashley got her drivers license, so were going to drive around in her mothers car just to be silly. god can you imagine a mother who just says "sure, take the car." ::huff:: i cant. ashleys mum is extremely cool like that. la la la...i need to get some music other than vnv nation. hmm...fiona apple. :) okay, im going to look around at sites now, later.--vanessa

friday june 30 2000 3.54pm
im fucking nuts! goddamn! dave gave me all these hyper...things...emm...espresso beans. that was it. and know im going fucking nuts. mums going to new york tomorrow, so im staying with people in town. yay i love people. i love everyone today. yay. bye.--me. the fucking nut.