well im not sure if anyone else is quite as proud of me as i am of myself...but indeed, i am impressed that ive finally learned html. true...i dont know much ...but its something. lol okay, i dont even know how to make the black background (it wont work!!!) but i guess i could get used to this. ::sigh:: anyway...im still feeling a little ill. is it the weather? jeremy thinks its allergies but im convinced i have none. i was looking at apartments today. :) yah. someday... okay, im back to finishing the rest of this nonsence. bye!
11.33pm
well here i am again. im listening to the cure, and considering the fact that i still havent gotten those tickets. >:\ well, i guess if they never come then thats $40 i wont have to pay... but then again, that also mean i wont be seeing the cure. :( yuck. my leg hurts...i dont know why. i wish it would rain already...i want a good thunderstorm. ::sigh:: anyway. so...my aunt tina is going to be here this weekend! :) this is the aunt that lives in brooklyn, and used to be a goth back in the day. i hope shell come to the dawning with me, even if there is no band. okay, im just writing in here because im amused with the fact that i can do html. goodnight.--vanessa
thursday may 11 2000 1.10am
weehoo...here i am. today was actually really nice. i got to go swimming in a river :) while jeremy was fishing. lol what a sight, he in his bright blue shirt and all the fishing gear...and me sitting my ass down in freezing cold water. with a long black dress on. :\ no i dont skinnydip. oh well. i felt like a hippie today, walking through the woods and the water barefoot, but it was looovely. it kind of reminded me of the things i used to do when i was little, with daddy and sometimes mom and rachel as well. i guess parts of things like that change, but the feelings remain the same. then we saw (lol) these animals that looked like mutant pig-cows. they were actually just buffalo with all the fur shaved off...anyway...it was funny. so, i waaaas going to stay here tomorrow (here being covesville), but i suppose im going to go downtown like a queer...and hang out with gopal as well hopefully. its funny, i havent done that in a while. actually, i havent hung out with anyone in a while. except for jeremy i suppose. ::shrug:: not that im complaining, im really not, but sometimes im afraid i dont know what im doing about...things like this. and i wouldnt want to lose any friends in the process of...whatever im doing. trying to find my happiness. so im making a genuine effort. :) friday im going to see a movie with marika. okay, i think "battlefield earth" looks cool, however many people would disagree. well, there arent many better movies out. right? ::sigh:: i suppose not. lol, people have told me that they want more gossip in here. :) i wonder if i can do that without embarassing myself? i always have to wonder that... or embarassing other people as well, i suppose. okay then, im off for the night, because i guess i do have to get up at 6am now. >:\ goodnight.--vanessa
4.44pm
big juicy hamburger. :) yum. so i didnt go to cville after all, i just slept for eleven hours instead. hehehe...it was nice. but i did one of those weird thing this morning, one of those things where im not quite awake and i start screaming nonsence and getting really angry for no reason. mom tried to wake me up because she knew i was supposed to go to charlottesville, and i said something like "can i borrow your cell phone?" when she said that i couldnt, i remember getting somewhat hysterical and saying something like "well then tell jeremy and gopal and marika that i said 'goodbye' because im never going to see them ever again! " yah...weird. i dont know what i was thinking. anyway, im trying to get them all to go see battlefield earth with me tomorrow...ive got marika and gopus so far. i really wish that elizabeth lived here. :( i cant ever talk to her other than on the computer, just because calling richmond is long distance. ::sigh:: well i suppose she will live here soon enough. :) i love the smashing pumpkins. ::sigh:: yeah... i think im going to make some strawberry shortcakes today, i was thinking about that last night and it sounded fun. okay then, im off again. why dont i ever write anything interesting anymore? oh well...because im not depressed i suppose. lol sadly enough, that probably really is why.
friday may 12 2000 12.33am
my head hurts...goddamnit. i feel like bitching and complaining. it hurts so badly that i cant move, and staring at this screen makes me feel like im going blind. ::hmph:: exactly why im shutting down this damned computer now, and going to bed. goodnight.--vanessa
10.05am
i hate the way people think they have to be rude to be strong. its rediculous, and the fact that you want to offend people just for the hope of looking like a hardass disturbs me. its obviously a confidence problem. this applies to a lot of people im sure, but i mean it only towards one. dont necesarily take this offensively because it may not be you...just think about what you do i guess. an-y-way...the headache is gone, but now its a stomache ache. does anyone know what "the virgin suicides" is about? i like the title... but i guess "battlefield earth" is the movie for the day. :) ::beams:: hehehe. i hate a lot of things today...people who act in a way that isnt real. but i dont know, maybe im wrong, maybe i dont know what real is. maybe i act like that myself. hard to tell...hard to tell... i wish i had a laptop, then i could at least go outside and stop taking over the mudhouse computer. i went to the library today, in the hope that i would be able to take the ged practice test. they didnt have any left, but i got a phone number and i suppose ill call and just go ahead and get the actual test over with as soon as possible. im tired of feeling worthless, even if only in my mothers eyes. im going to apply for a job today as well, at strawberry (this clothing store on the mall). yay for me...right? uh huh. okay, im off to search for ice cream. i neeeed it! :P later.
11.30pm
i dont make any sence, do i? ::hmph:: "battlefield earth" sucks ass, dont go see it unless your life depends on it. even then, becasue youll probably want to kill yourself afterwards. >:\ even with john travolta in cyber dreds...it sucked. blah. but i went and saw "american beauty" as well (in an attempt to restore all the stagnant brain nonsence that "battlefield earth" brought on) and i liked it a lot. i love when he says "if i had to leave tonight...would you go with me?" damnit. i love runaway lovers. even if they didnt end up running away, thats not the point. its the thought that counts. i finally got a bella morte tshirt. :) yay. my new daily uniform. theres a lot of stuff i should type in here, but ill do it later. im on the phone.--vanessa.
saturday may 13 2000 2.06am
here i am again. maybe im not going to write things in here like i said i would. i dont know, maybe everyone doesnt have to know my every thought in order for me to feel "open" or whatever other nonsence. maybe i dont have to be so serious about everything !? i guess maybe i do ...its just another part of me. ::sigh:: aunt tinas here. :) yay. she said shes going to do my makeup for the dawning...heh heh oooohh spooky. i hope i still look somewhat normal. especially after dancing around like a fool...i hope it doesnt melt off of my face or whatever. i wish i could drive, i like driving around at night. i would drive to the top of some mountain and look at the stars. actually, i could always just walk outside and do that. maybe i will? what the fuck, why not? ::sigh:: i dont know, but i probably just wont. i wouldnt want to fall asleep outside in the field and have animals crawling on me or whatever. :\ its happened before. okay, im obviously tired. the screen is meeeelting...oooohh! ::yawn:: goodnight everyone.--vanessa
sunday may 14 2000 10.46am
i cant believe im awake this disgustingly early. >:\ ::yawn:: so...haaappy mothers day to yooouu. :) yah. im actually getting along with her today. even though my efforts to be the good daughter and take her out to brunch at the peking were thwarted...so were having a barbecue out here. and daddys coming over. so i guess its their birthday/mothers day combination. an-y-way...the dawning was cancelled last night, so we ended up going to a party at tanks instead. nothing especially interesting happened...the usual dry humping, goofy laughter, drunken helen, and the addition of a raving billy. not as in raving mad, as in literally raver raving. and what do you know, i come home and everyone in my house is drunk as well. :) which i enjoyed. ::sigh:: so, i dont think im going crazy anymore, which is nice. i can tell the differance between whats real and what im creating in my mind...good good good. okay, im a little hungry, so perhaps some breakfast now...bye.
11.03am
how wonderful to discover something new and beautiful...like the first time i heard the sisters of mercy, the first time i really heard their song "logic". now...witness the first time ive ever really heard dead can dance. :) woooow.
4.08pm
if all of you could hear every phone call that i receive, see every quickly and poorly concealed whisper, hear every comment...maybe you just might understand a little bit more about me. life is not completely obscene, but life is not perfect. life isnt even good. i act like an asshole so that people will get fed up with me and leave me alone. i just wanted to explain, to those who wonder. maybe, to me at least, your comments and whispers and disappointment just mean more than they should. but i shouldnt have to worry about that... i dont think i should have to question myself based on what you think. ::sigh:: but i do. i always will, im afraid. i wish i had the selfassurance, that none of this would matter. i wonder if anyone does? truly? probably not...but i still feel like the inadequate one. okay then, i just wanted to say that. the people that im saying it to dont even read this. i guess...thats a good thing. blah.--vanessa
tuesday may 16 2000 1.am
so here i am once again ...bored and on my computer. and it should be no wonder to me that no ones on here. ::sigh::yawn:: whats up with the big brother thing in my guestbook? it was interesting at first... anyway, i ate a really greasy double cheeseburger today. :) and onion rings as well, at the best little redneck joint ive ever seen. then i had a banana split...ugh. yuck. ive got another headache tonight. its starting to irritate me...i never used to get headaches. well...i suppose ill go upstairs soon enough. i have to make black curtains so i can block out the sun and live and sleep in peace in my bedroom forever more. :| yah. okay, later days.--vanessa
thursday may 18 2000 8.34am
so, here i am at mudhaus. nothing too interesting going on...remains van field trip to richmond tonight. :) visions in blue (which consists of only jdavyd now...) is playing. yayhoo...and the such... im sorry my life is so boring.
friday may 19 2000 7.06pm
no im not okay. >:/ i only say i am because if i said that i wasnt 1)would you even listen to me? and 2)would i know what to say if you did? probably not, to both of those. ::sigh:: its funny how the world can shatter, and you can watch it coming down around you...but what the fuck can you do? nothing...because its always been this way, and it always will be. and if i even knew how to get out of it...would i? this is all i know. like tiny bits of dust caught in that one shimmering line of light, glowing through the dirty window...eventually all falls back to darkness. and you cant even see it anymore, because you never look hard enough. that would probably be too difficult. so eventually all things will fall, even you. and until then... ::shrug:: i dont know...ill still be here. always.--vanessa
7.40pm
this is rediculous, my mother has been waiting for her goddamned boyfriend to call her back for forty minutes!!! i just want to get on the internet, so i can talk to somebody . im bored...im lonely. im sad. of course, i always am. >:/ blaaah. i wish she would just get a second phone line, rather than inconveniencing and isolating me so that her goddamned boyfriend can constantly be in touch with her. he never calls when hes supposed to anyway, she knows this... :( i am not a happy girl. im tired of being alone. even when im with people im alone. its always just me sitting there, thinking everything in my head because ive learned what embarassment comes from saying it out loud. no one listens, and it feels like no one ever will. they just pretend. i find it impossible to believe that anyone has ever truly cared for me, only because they never take the time to see how i really feel. not that i willingly offer it... ::shrug:: it would be nice to have someone who would say things to me, and who i could say things as well, without fear of embarassment. or the fear of being left . i guess thats maybe irrational to people on the outside, but to me it makes perfect sence. its all that makes sence, because i know that im the only one thats been there for every second of my life, and im the only one whos felt and experienced all of it. all of you, you only know tiny isolated parts of who i am. and you think that gives you the right to think you know me!? anyway, im just getting a little angry here, i may regret saying some of these things later. but i dont right now, because its how i feel...--vanessa
saturday may 20 2000 2.20pm
i think i tend to be a little harsh and judgemental sometimes, when i really shouldnt be. i guess if people based what they thought of me on how i act only some of the time, then they would have a jaded view of me...as i do of them. (example, if someone is almost always nice, but occasionally acts like an asshole, you probably shouldnt assume they are an asshole.) im awfully lonely out here. i hate being so far away from people, because occasionally i need them...even if just so i can see them, not even talk to them. i just like to know that the people i care about are there . :) hehe--im becoming a techno junkie. its kind of fun, though. i like it. well, i may just possibly go outside for a walk now. nevermind, probably not. not while i still have a computer a kitchen and a television. :) bye, anyway...
monday may 22 2000 5.53pm
im bored and my neck hurts. i mourn the loss of things that will never return to me...its sad. usually i can just forget about these things, but now im...crying. :/ its a little irritating, i feel out of control. there are some things that i get sad over in my life, like not having money i suppose, but at least i have the power to change that. other things...the things i try to force into the back of my mind and forget about...i cant do anything about it. its really depressing.
thursday may 25 2000 12.18am
"now we drive the night, to the ironies of peace you cant help deny forever the tragedies reside in you the secret sights hide in you the lonely nights divide you in two all my blisters now revealed in the darkness of my dreams in the spaces between us but no bodies ever knew nobodys no bodies felt like you no bodys love is suicide"
okay so thats my smashing pumpkins quote of the day. even though i like "disarm" better (as a song) i just like those words. ::sigh:: im bored and boring. goodnight.--vanessa
friday may 26 2000 9.41pm
sometimes i care about people in a strang way. for example: my sister. im sure shes convinced that i hate her, but in reality a lot of what i do is in the hope that ill protect her from a lot of the pain ive experienced. i dont think shed believe me if i told her that. :/ i see a lot of thing that happened to me when i was her age, and at the time it wasnt really an issue, but now...it really hurts. and i want to protect her from that pain. i can see the differance between her and i, and i may be wrong...but i think she would handle some situations differantly than i did. in a bad way. it seems to me that all she sees when she looks at me is another person taking up space in her house, thats why shes always practically begging me to leave. but i cant help but pray that underneath her exterior hides other feelings, and she really does care about me. she and i have always been bad at that, showing our feelings. its like were almost always uncomfortable in eachothers presence. people always tell me that it will change one day...and now i hope thats true. i dont want to just tolerate or be tolerated, i want to love. ::sigh:: an-y-waaaay... i thought marika was going to be coming over tonight, but i guess not. when i asked her i received a short "i cant." ::shrug:: that seems to be the answer a lot lately. you know theres a differance between i cant and i wont... ::sigh:: yeah. im eating pasta (with my homemade sauce ::drool:: and attempting to download mp3s. its kind of difficult with my treacherously slow computer, but i did succesfully download one song today so i know theres hope. 45%...uh huh... im not as lonely as usual, but i am dreadfully alone. and all i want is a cigarette. argh! >:/ its like a comfort food more than it is an addiction. when i feel the way i do tonight, i feel better after going out onto the porch or walking up to the tracks and smoking a cigarette. it just gives me a few minutes of peace, and now i have no way to find that. :( sad i know. i dont care though. i miss jeremy, even if i DID see him just last night...sometimes he gives me that peace... 55% woohoo. anyone whos reading this is welcome to come over here with a pack of cigarettes, and well go for a walk or something. theres billions of stars that are a lot brighter far away from the "city" (cville) lights...and fireflies as well. :) its nice...just kind of sad when youre alone. well...ill quit moping now. bye.--vanessa
monday may 29 2000 1.08am
"outside the storm clouds gathering, moved silently along the dirty boulevard. where flowers turning crane their fragile necks so they can in turn reach up and kiss the sky. they are driven by a strange desire unseen by the human eye someone is calling. i remember when you held my hand in the park we would play when the circus came to town. look! over here. outside the circus is gathering moved silently along the rainswept boulevard. the procession moved on the shouting is over the fabulous freaks are leaving town. they are driven by a strange desire unseen by the human eye. the carnival is over. we sat and watched as the moon rose again for the very first time."
huh...long quote today. and i want to quote more, but i suppose i wont bore all of you with that. the dawning was interesting, nerve no pain was good. :) i actually especially enjoyed talking to bruce. its funny how you never realize things about the people around you...and even when they tell you a little, you still dont know everything. despite how much youd like to think you do. ::shrug:: i told my mother that i want a shrink but 1.im off of their insurance, so she cant afford it, and 2.she doesnt think i real-lly need it. :/ i think shes wrong there, but it doesnt really make a differance, this is not something i can have either way. she has the day off of work tomorrow (memorial day? i think...) so im going to hang out with her a little, as best i can. i hope we dont get into huge arguments...ill just keep my mouth shut. :) thats usually the problem anyway. "...where no one knows my name..." yah yah yah. >:/ i want to say more, but i dont know what , so i guess ill just go look at other peoples sites until i can think of something. goodnight.--vanessa
tuesday may 30 5.48pm
im so happy i could just explode. wow...the happiness is completely overwhelming me. yay! happy happy happy. :) woohoo. in fact im so happy that i think im going to go run out into those woods behind my house (my mothers house...its not mine anymore) and pray for death. :) what a happy thought. okay bye.--vanessa the happiest girl alive.
9.52pm
well im back. :/ i dont know whats going on in my head... mom says im really kicked out in two days, but shes kicked me out a few times now. i never know whats for real. im trying to be really nonchalant about the whole matter, acting like "i dare you to do it." or something, as if i dont care at all. but the reality is that im terrified of what im about to become. i dont want to be a gutterpunk...guttergoth whatever. i dont want to be a gutter anything. i dont want to have to sleep outside when its fucking cold, or when its raining. i dont want to smell and be hungry and be lonely. im afraid of these things, im terrified, but its still my own fault. isnt it? i dont know what normal parents do. and i dont know what normal daughters do...maybe this? hmm. no clue. she just tried to kiss me goodnight...what the fuck? i turned my head. i dont want her to be near me. i want to hate her. i dont yet...but i want to. how can you be there for someone, even if not consistently...how can you be there for someone and shelter them and feed them and take care of their every need...and then all of the sudden just say get out...get out of my house, get out of my life. how can someone do that? i dont understand it. ill never do it. i swear. shes done this before...as soon as it gets a little rocky she just lets go. she did this to dad, and i guess im next.