I left my house feeling exhilirated. Finally I was going to be entirely on my own. I could hardly wait. It seemed like I'd been waiting forever for a chance to prove myself, and finally it was here. At last I would be more than just another burden for my family to take care of. I was going to make something of myself.
It seemed like life was always nearly impossible growing up poor in a swiftly failing little town. No one had work for my father. We survived on my mother's housekeeping skills alone. I was determined to change everything. I would never be like my parents, broke and broken by five children and not enough food for everyone. Oftentimes we had nothing at all except half a biscuit each. Mother's vegetable garden couldn't survive in the dry Texas air and we could never go grocery shopping like the other kids. It hurt seeing well-fed rich kids throw away their leftovers at lunch. We fought for every bite we got.
My older brother Jim was my idol. We would play together in the musty old barn, climbing up in the rafters and swinging by our legs from the highest one. If Dad or Mom caught us we'd be beaten, but it was so much fun we were willing to risk a sore bottom. He confided in me that he didn't want to live in Silver Springs forever. He started my desire to be more than my parents. Jim was the best thing about my childhoos.
One day, when we were playing in the barn, Jim slipped from the rafter. His head gave a sickening crunch when it hit the ground. I rushed down to make sure he was okay, and I saw bits of grey matter leaking out of the side of his head. When I tried to shake him awake, he didn't move. I was only about ten, so I didn't realize his dream was over. Momma screamed when she came into the barn and saw me leaning over him, still trying to rouse his lifeless body. Sometimes I still feel like he's here with me.
It seems like the dream ended for me then, too. I didn't realize life was filled with more pain than just an empty stomach or a scabbed knee. No one told me about emotional hurt, and how much longer than physical pain it can last. Jim was everything I wanted to be, and it all ended because of little bit of water where it shouldn't have been and one big brother's constant desire to impress his baby sister. And he was always so nice to me. Yeah, he'd pick on me at school, but I knew it was because the other boys would beat him up for hanging out with a girl, even his sister. I didn't want to see him hurt, so I played along.
Jim took me everywhere with him. He taught me how to fish, and how to dig up the fattest worms and crawdads so we could catch bigger fish. When I was eight, our parents let us camp out in the woods near our house for a night all by ourselves. We fished half the day and swam in tha river the other half. He let me help set up the tent and start the fire. Momma and Daddy were always scared I'd burn the house down if I touched the wood stove at our house, but Jim trusted me. That was a good feeling. I miss him all the time. I just wish he could see what his baby sister turned into.
that's all i can come up with right now but i will add to it as pieces come to me.
triana