so it's been interesting here for a while.  i think i've got the flu or 
some other horrible disease cuz i feel like absolute shit. ah, well, 
what are you gonna do, right? i want nothing more than to lay down
and go to sleep but unfortunately i don't think it's gonna happen. 
i owe a HUGE thank-you to shadowgod for writing me and helping me 
feel a little better.  shadow, it's long, it's slow, and it's 
painful, but soon, i will be happy.  thank you, love you, 
hugs & kisses abound.

strange to be here watching the words appear on my screen never caring if anyone cares never thinking if anyone sees never knowing if anyone is even there playing idly with pieces of my fractured heart trying to see my reflection in a stolen dream screaming soundlessly in an empty world praying that one day i too will be free help me i think i'm drowning in a sea of silence but you're not there no one is ever there the plans have fallen through the ship is sinking the mind is slowly draining away through my fingertips but it isn't real it can't be real it must be a dream because life can't be like this hell can't be like this heaven can't be like this nothing could be this true and this right and this beautiful but it is and it is and it is

no more insanity tonite i promise

triana

02/07/01

i want to scream

i want to cry

i want a million souls to cry out in torment at my passing

i want someone to feel the way i do right now

i want someone to love me

i want more than i will ever have

i want it all to end

sorry feeling very alone tonight and i'm not exactly sure why. i've been working too hard (again) and partying too little (as usual) so i'm a little tense. i've had to move back into my mother's house after 5 years of being on my own because of problems with roommates stealing and my trust level is at an all time low. of course self esteemseems to have joined it today but hopefully soon all will be better. i hope to be moving out of this godforsaken hellhole they call a town soon though, and that will help a lot. well i think that's really all i can do tonight...maybe next week i will find time to add some new poetry (most of the stuff on here is older works) but that is for another day, because it's bedtime!

triana

517am

02/09/01

i know sometimes i'm a bit too hard on myself but i can't help it. one of my close friends today yelled at me because i was putting myself down, but i was only trying to tell him how i feel about myself. i only seem to make things worse for myself a lot of the time, but i feel like i am past the point of no return. all i ever do is hurt myself or someone else. i'm tired of the pain. i'm tired of the fear that goes along with trying to meet new people, or trying to change. i've been through a lot for only being 24 years old, and i don't want to go through any more of the bullshit. i think it is past time for my life to get better, but it only gets worse. i hate living here and trying not to get in anyone's way for fear of getting yelled at. i hate having to hide who i really am from my parents because they wouldn't understand my beliefs. i just want to be important to someone besides myself. i want to feel like there is someone out there who loves me. i wish happiness grew on trees. i would grow a grove of them so i could pluck a little each day.

sorry about the inane rantings today, not very happy with the direction life is taking me

a very depressed triana

02/10/01

hello again to all you freaks out there that actually come back here. i'm feeling much better this morning. shadow sent me a cool poem (which i've posted, thank you shadow) and some guy i don't know named ian racine (or was it racine ian?) sent me a purple kitty cat (thank you ian), both of which made me smile and actually laugh OUT LOUD!!!! hee hee.... it's not often that i am actually pleased with much in my in-box, but both of those were much appreciated. just had to share the pleasure with a few million total strangers. (not that that many people have actually been to my site, but optimism never hurt anyone, right?) i seem to be writing in parentheses a lot today. i hope no one minds. anyway, just a quick thank-you to the two people who helped me smile today...it doesn't happen often, except at work, and i am much appreciative. love everyone, see you all again soon i hope.

ian, i'm putting my kitty cat up on here. i hope you don't mind!

02/11/01

wow that's a lot of ones

it's been getting better day by day and slowly but surely i am working on making myself a better person. one of my friends is supposed to be in town today and he promised to call me this afternoon. of course, if i don't go to bed soon i probably won't wake up when he does call, which is supposed to be in about 3 hours...sigh. no rest for the wicked, right?

perhaps i can actually move soon. i decided i really don't want to go back to college, but i do want out of this godforsaken little hell hole affectionately known as fort misery. i would be so much happier in a real city with a real club scene and real things to do besides sit on my computer all night babbling inanities to a bunch of people i don't know and who probably don't even exist in the first place. even though my counter keeps going up and my guestbook gets new entries occasionally, i'm still not entirely convinced anyone is really reading this. it's probably better that way, though. i'm more likely to write how i feel if i don't think anyone will ever see it. ' busy busy busy

i was driving to work last night and i crossed the intersection of boy scout and cleveland, where my mom's old bank used to be. i can remember getting excited when she went to the bank because the drive-thru teller there gave me lollipops or gum every time we went. when they widened boy scout, the bank, a beautiful building built in roughly 1925, was torn down and replaced by a car lot. i've never even heard of the cars they sell, some weird imports that are really ugly. but last night, i remembered how upset i was when they took down the bank. i told my mom that it wasn't nice to make the "candy lady" leave her home. (i was kind of a silly kid, but weren't we all?) i can remember crying and saying i hated the city for making boy scout a wider road. of course now that i drive, i take boy scout because it's quicker with three lanes than other one or two lane roads in the area, but man did i cry when they did it. i'm not sure why i'm telling you this, but i had to share with someone the stupidity i felt as a child.

on a brighter note, the moon was bathed in mist last night and it was really beautiful. i wish i'd had a camera with me so i could share it with you, the way it barely peeked over the tops of the trees, the fat, pregnant look it had over the water as i crossed the gulf. oh it was beautiful.

i think i've babbled enough for tonight. thanks for listening

triana

02/13/01

i think

well it's been interesting here recently. my parents are trying to sell their house which means i have to move out really soon but i'm still broke so i can't.. anyway i want to move out of town which takes even more than just getting an apartment here. but at least i know people where i want to go. it will help me get a good job and find a decent neighborhood. now i just need the money..sigh.

it seems like all i do now is sit on this bloody computer and play around with stupid sites that do nothing for me or anyone else, although i suppose this site could be included in that list. well i'm feeling useless and depressed so i think i better sign off before i get too annoying

triana

02/14/01

happy evil love day everyone. god i hate valentine's. i think the whole day should be stricken from the calendar in honor of those who are alone. I mean, what's more depressing than everyone you know getting cards and flowers and candy from their loved ones while you sit, alone, unloved, forgotten on the sidelines? in my humble opinion, nothing. i may be the only one who feels this strongly about it, but i doubt it. the only things i got today were from my mother, my 5 year old brother, and the 50-something lady i work with. Candy, yay. i guess i'm just lonely and upset. what else is new, right?

actually it hasn't been too terrible today. i actually forgot it was valentine's at first. That's easy to do when you don't have a significant other to worry about. oh, well, one day. i just wanted to rant a little and share my frustration with yet another capitalist driven holiday. But aren't they all, nowadays?

triana

02/17/01

perhaps i need to make this list a little shorter, maybe post links to each week or something, but god that's a lot of cut & paste. sorry if the rambles get a little too long sometimes. it's hard talking to myself where everyone in the world can see. i kind of like it though. it's like a very strange type of exhibitionism. well my list of online friends has actually grown this week. i now know three total strangers! yay! i know i'm a freak, it's ok. feel free to laugh at me. everyone else does. i wish i wasn't alone most of the time. i've been kind of vaguely seeing my ex, and i think i'm getting reattached to him, but he's seeing another girl on the side. sigh. very tough to deal with. i like him, but we fight all the time and he's vaguely obsessive. is that a bad thing? we broke up before because he became the shadow i never wanted. now he calls me sometimes when he feels like it, and when i really need to talk to him, he's nowhere to be found. i really hate men sometimes. no offense, guys. if i don't know you i can't possibly hate you

on a side note, does anyone know how to make links within a page, like to get to a part of the page without scrolling? if you do, please email me or post it on the BBS (new by the way) and let me know. that would make these ravings pages much easier to navigate, i think. i'll ask some of my other friends too, but it never hurts to ask.

well i think i've talked enough ears off for one day, so i will sign off. comments are always welcome, even the negative ones. advice is most definitely appreciated, in fact it's wanted, so feel free. i'm working on a lot of different things right now, so if it takes a while to get a response, please be patient. i'll get there eventually. thanks for listening.

triana

02/24/01

oh i hate life sometimes...i got a message last night saying my ex-boyfriend is looking for me. dammit i was almost over him. i had stopped thinking about him, i haven't seen him in a year, i've stopped plotting how to kill the woman he left me for and everything. why is he looking for me? does he want me back? i still love him and i don't think i can say no, but i really don't need the pain. he's an asshole. he isn't worth the time it takes to say his name. so why can't i stop thinking about him? why is the thought that he's looking for me sending little paroxysms of joy coursing through my body? why do i want to go to his work tonight? why am i still afraid of how he makes me feel? i don't want this again. i don't need it. oh god why did victor tell me he's looking for me? why didn't victor tell him i was dead? why do i want him to find me, yet at the same time i don't? oh god i'm going crazy this is why i don't want him back. i can't take it!!!! should i go see him? should i stay away? oh god please HELP ME!!!!! i hate feeling like this....i can't stop thinking about him....i can't not think about him....but i can't take him back it wouldn't work he would hurt me again......he probably doesn't want me anyway.....he was just making conversation....he can't want me back....he won't get me back....oh god how am i supposed to sleep with him running around inside my head? what the hell am i going to do?

02/25/01

i guess i was kinda tripping out yesterday....now that i read over what i'd written, i sound like a lunatic. i really didn't need to hear his name ever again though. and i hate working so much. i feel like i never have time to myself anymore, and when i am off, i seem to end up here, in front of my computer, talking to myself. or possibly to some of the people who actually come here. i don't know. it's been rough lately. too much work, too little sleep, way too much stress. my old coke dealer is back in town and he wants me to buy some again. i want to, but i know i really shouldn't. only bad things come from doing coke.....sigh. the perils of making the wrong decision. i've been clean for three months and i hope to continue to be clean. it's really hard though. drugs are bad. drugs are bad. drugs are really bad....maybe if i say it enough times i'll start to believe it....lol. well i'm really sleepy so i better go now.

triana