03/01/01
wow is it really march already? i swear new year's eve was just last week...time flies when you're trapped in hell. it has been a very rough week and i don't know if it will ever end. but at least i'm still alive and mostly sane, right? i want someone to curl up with at night. i can't get to sleep without strong arms wrapped around me, but there isn't anyone here to volunteer for the job. well, there's the scary guy staying at the hotel that hits on me every time he comes into the lobby, but i don't think so. besides, he's probably got a wife and ten kids at home. lots of guys go out of town on business and start a relationship with some poor girl in the town they go to without ever mentioning the fact that they're married. hell, sometimes the ones i know are married offer to take me out! very annoying, considering most of them are like 50. no offense if anyone 50 or over is here, but i'm only 24, so i feel justified in not being interested. oh well.
wow i'm really babbling tonight, huh. sorry i have to do something or i will go batty. i'm always online when everyone i know is sleeping or working. i mean, it's 8:30 a.m. most freaks are in bed right now, and ost normal people are working. me, i'm almost in bed but i had to check my e-mail first, and, well, one thing led to another, and now i'm here, babbling uselessly. hells
i'm gonna go before i bore myself to tears. sorry about the random uselessness sputtered herein.
triana
3/2/1
scary evil thoughts running through my head begging for release and i don't know what to do or what to say or how to say it. life is one sick twisted joke after another and there never seems to be an end to the horrors of living it. scream cry beg for release and one day it might come but death is not the end death is not the answer only love can save us only love can hurt us only love can end it all start it all destroy me free me trap me send me spiralling ever downward soaring through heaven falling into hell never free never me never be what i want to be only more of the same and more change and nothing new under the sun but everything is different now there is no escape from torturous life but there is a way out if only i can find it i want beauty and truth and love and happiness and i get pain and sorrow and evil and hatred instead. crying out loud sobbing away my very life i'm tired of being sad all i really want is to be happy everything else is just icing on the cake and randomness will kill me one day if it doesn't set me free first. i hate this but i love it so much i will never stop. love is the answer but where will my love be and can i ever find him or was he an abortion baby scraped from his mother's womb before ever knowing this world and leaving me lost and alone in a world that doesn't care a country that won't help a life i don't want to live anymore.
random thoughts of suicide run through my head but i know it isn't worth it it could never be worth it yet still the knife beckons to me begging me to make just two little cuts and watch the beautiful red blood run down my wriss into a growing pool by my head letting me sleep finally letting me dream of a better life until it comes along and proves my dreams false by being exactly the same as this one only different.
maybe i'm a little too babbly this morning and perhaps i should sign off before more evil thoughts enter and make their way through my fingers into the keys and onto my computer screen forcing themselves to be heard and acknowledged at least by myself if not anyone else but i don't want to realize what i'm thinking because realization leads to action leads to pretty pools of blood that my mother will have to clean up after they take me to the hospital and try to sew me back together again which doesn't sound like fun so i won't do it and i won't make mom clean up something she doesn't see the beauty in.
triana needs to sleep maybe happy dreams will come to her once she is wrapped up in her blankets and erase the bad things she is thinking right now that she really has no intention of acting upon although the road to hell was paved in good intentions you know
triana
sleeping now
03/05/01
it's my psycho older sister's 32nd birthday today and i have no intentions of calling her. we haven't talked in about two years but i still notice her birthday every year. does that make me crazy? she really is a psycho, after all, and i hate talking to her because i just end up either really unhappy with my appearance or some other form of insignificant. she is one of the main reasons i hate myself. i hate her and i wish she had never been born. i would be much happier then. ah gods i need to stop whining now.
triana
testing some new stuff if it doesn't work deal with it!
03/12/01
well hell i've been away too long...it's been kinda rough here. my parents just sold their house so i have to move by june or else i'm out on the street...and i have nowhere to go. sigh. so if i disappear for a long time it's cuz i'm homeless.... well i guess i'm being depressing again so i will go now...be happy and treat each other well!
triana
03/22/01
i hate men it seems that all they do is lie cheat and hurt others...it isn't fair that for every nice guy i meet there are about a hundred assholes that just don't care who gets in their way as long as they get their way. i'm tired of thinking "this guy is different" only to have him turn around and prove me wrong. i want, just for once, for someone to actually be the nice guy they pretend to be. my friends call me a man-hater but really what choice have i been given. i just want love and affection from a true source, not someone who disappears after sex or blows me off when i really want to spend time with him. it isn't right to tell your woman that spending time at a friend's house is more important than her or that you don't care what she wants. why do i always get stuck with the assholes? someone please restore my faith in men i don't want to die alone but i don't want to be trapped in a hateful relationship either. i don't feel that love is such a huge thing to ask for. i should think two days a week wouldn't be too much time to give for a decent relationship. one that, until today, was going fine. until today, two nights a week wasn't enough time. until today when he had "more important things to do" like hang out at a friend's house, a friend he already sees more than he sees me. when will i learn. when will it stop hurting so damn much. why do i even care anymore. i hate men.
triana, pissed off and hateful but still here
03/25/01
oh hells i don't know what to do anymore. it seems like everone and everything is trying to make my life more difficult but i know it can't truly be like that. maybe it's me. maybe i am trying to become everything i hate in other people. if so it seems to be working wonderfully. i hate this...i hate feeling like this and trying so hard to get along in this hellish world...why can't life be, if not easy, at least a little less hard? i want to be happy so bad it hurts, but every time i seem to be getting happier, something else happens to ruin it. do i do this to myself? am i simply afraid of being happy? do i, in some sick twisted way, love being miserable? sometimes it seems like it... i don't want to be the female that ruins everyone's good time..i don't want to bring other people down with me...or do i? as far as i can tell i will be homeless in about two months, and i haven't done a damn thing to help myself. i have almost no money saved up, no one to move in with, nowhere to go...shit. well, at least i have a car...i can always sleep in it, right? and i'm still doing drugs, which is probably at least half of my problem with myself...i had stopped for a couple months, and then, boom, all of a sudden i can't wait to spend all my money on some damn powder that i don't even enjoy in the first place. i mean, i love sleeping, so why the hell am i doing something that makes me stay awake? oh god i need to get out of this town. even homeless would be better if i didn't have such easy access to the drugs that are going to make me homeless....please help me i'm going to end up killing myself if i don't stop....
triana
03/25/01
later and less pissy
so i've spent the past few days being mad at the man who wants to call himself my boyfriend, but what has it gotten me? a sleepless night (or day, whatever) some tears and the realization that my teddy bear has gone AWOL... very upsetting. so i spent all day when ishould have been sleeping trying to find a small, beat-up white bear...he is very much so missing. if anyone should happen to come across him, please email me and tell him to come home, i'm sorry i ignored him for two days. he is about 10 inches tall, dirty white fur, black eyes, a red ribbon around his neck, and he answers to the name of Jackie Bear or just simply Jackie.
please come home jackie...i miss you!
triana