RETURN TO DARK SITES



Most evil-doers cannot unfortunately accomplish their schemes on their own. There is simply too much to do, too many people to terrorize, too many bodies to dispose of. You will thus want to employ henchmen into your service, mindless slaves to carry out the most menial tasks. But the question then looms: What evil henchmen is right for you?p> The Evil Henchman's Guide is an excellent source on training your minions.

Classic Thugs
The classic thug has been the favored henchmen of criminal masterminds for decades. Be they mobsters with itchy trigger fingers or gangs of unwashed ruffians, nothing inspires fear quite like the hired thug. Their menial intelligence is usually enough to perform simple tasks such as "Bring me the money" or "Kill the heroes.". Perhaps more than all that, however, thugs are a nostalgia choice. They are a time honored tradition that will bring tears of happiness to evil-doers everywhere. They are also dime-a-dozen, so don't feel too bad if they die off rather quickly.
Corporate Suits
The business world has created a new legion of slime-coated individuals, known as the corporate cronies. These bad businessmen like nothing more than a good game of backstabbing and blackmail, and will be an excellent addition to your growing army. Perfect for hostile takeovers, they will crush your competitors and destroy people's lives through simple executive decisions. They are also masters of downsizing, and will lay off thousands of workers in times of unparalleled profits. If you want to employ a real ripe bastard, then corporate cronies may be the choice for you.
Mutant Race
These unholy abominations are perfect for the evil genius who likes messing with god's creation. Through genetic realignment you can create an army of cat people, fish people, alligator people, even walking tree people, things that should not be and an affront to all that exists. Particularly suited to living on desert islands, these hybrids possess the best of both worlds and tend to be faster, stronger, and just plain better than any human troops could ever hope to be. They are also often quite rebellious, so you may want to install a doomsday gene in them that can kill them all with the push of a button. Tough love is always the best for situations like these.
Robot Warriors
Robot warriors are another superb option for the evil-doer, giving them an unstoppable army of killing machines unhampered by such weaknesses as mercy or compassion. These metallic automatons will serve you without question, destroying your foes with their ray guns and land-to-air missiles. They also are remarkably resilient, able to take an amazing amount of damage before finally being blown to pieces. You can also choose different forms for them to appear in, such as humanoid, tank-shaped, and fifty-story-high monstrosities beyond all comprehension. In fact, the only real problem with robot warriors is that elementary chaos theory states that all robots will eventually rise up and destroy their human masters. They're funny like that.
Computer Programmers
Not available until recently, the computer programmer is a new type of henchman that can help you control the information superhighway. Whether you need to hack the strategic defense computer, destroy the economy of Brazil or just slash some guy's credit rating, these overwhelming individuals are the ones to make it happen. Notable for their lack of ethics and powerful body odor, their very presence will inspire you to do great evil on all humanity. They are also available in three sizes: Large, Extra Large, and Dear God That's Fucking Large, thus giving you the choice between a mere overweight bastard and someone who blocks out the earth's sun. And you thought they weren't fearsome…
Animal Minions
Animal minions are an excellent choice for the evil-doer who has grown disenchanted with humanity. Instead of employing people (the vile beings that they are), you can instead utilize rats, cats, birds, or whatever strikes your fancy. These purrfect beasts can serve as your eyes and ears, murdering people in swarms and spying on the most secret of places. They can also serve as the children you never had, inheriting the earth after you wipe out the plague that is humanity. Though no one else understands you, rest assured that animals will forever be your friend. Unless they realize you're human too, in which case you might be in a bit of trouble.
The Undead
If you happen to be an occult minded evil doer that has a pile of corpses nearby, then you might want to give the undead a try. Through simple voodoo rituals and access to a town graveyard you can raise up virtual armies of the undead to serve as your fearless minions. Useful for destroying small villages and despoiling public health regulations, the undead are both horrific and unstoppable. They are also a fairly renewable resource, what with their victims also being transformed into the walking dead, and they can even be mix-and-match should you wish. They do require the brains of the living to survive, however, so make sure your fridge is stocked up.
Supernatural Creatures
Dabblers in the black arts also have the possibility of summoning up a wide variety of supernatural creatures to assist them in their evil deeds. This can come in the form of gargoyles, demons, or shambling creatures from beyond, all of which are perfect instruments for murder and destruction. Notable for their supernatural strength and mystic powers, these horrific monstrosities will serve your every need provided you agree to help them fulfill their foul appetites. Since you are completely without conscience or mercy this shouldn't be too big of a problem. Unless they escape your control and eat you, supernatural creatures are a resource you just can't do without.
The Religious Right
Perhaps the most fearsome, horrendous, and truly evil of all possible henchmen, the religious right can make a nightmarish addition to any evil doer's army. Renowned for their savagery and terrifying ability to distribute religious pamphlets, these insidious individuals inspire fear through their very presence. Their television programming has been known to send more than one person skyrocketing to insanity, and their devotion to hate and rage rivals that of Latin American death squads. It must be noted, however, that one should not enter into an alliance with these people lightly. Due to their mind-numbingly psychotic nature, the evil genius may find himself out-eviled even by them.

It's always time for lasagna!

Copyright © 2001 Neil Zawacki. All Right Reserved. Not to be reproduced in any form without express permission.