"God? Are you there? It's me, bean. Im sorry I haven't been doing the wine thing like I'm supposed to lately, but it makes me feel bad when I do it. I don't like to. I don't wanna be all sleepy and quiet, I can't think straight. Anyway, I wanted to ask you something. Who am I? Where do I come from, God? Did you make me? Some people say that I'm touched by you, but I think they mean it as an insult. Why? Do you do the bad kind of touching? I didn't think so, so I got sad. I know I'm not supposed to hit people or use my crazy powers on them but I just can't help it sometimes. I do nice things too though, like when that little kid ran out into the street yesterday and I went after him and I made sure he didn't get hit, and when Allison was hurting and I made her feel better. I'm not always bad, right?

God, I'm so so SO sorry about that little kid. That wasn't supposed to happen like that. No one was supposed to die. That's so bad. Am I gonna go to Hell for that, God? I don't want to. it doesn't sound like a nice place. I want to be where you are, I want to meet you. I want to say I'm sorry to that little kid, and to you. Felicity says everyone is your child, so that means I killed my little brother. But wait, then that means that Jeremy is my brother, and I kiss him, and that's icky. Maybe it's different. Is it ok that I kiss Jeremy, God? If you don't want me to anymore I'll stop, I'm really sorry. I try really really hard, God, but everything's just so stupid. Why is it not ok to kill people, but the Prince can do it all the time? It says in the Bible not to kill, and it doesn't say anywhere that it's ok if you're a Prince, or they're a Givoanni, it just says not to kill. I don't understand that. What part of that is wrong? 

I wish I was smarter, God. I wish I could understand stuff like everyone else does, or that people could understand me. Why do I have to be like them, why can't they try to think like me? Am I wrong? Do I think bad?  What happened to those angels you sent to me, anyway? I liked them, they were nice. They said they'd help me. A little girl in Sunday School one time said she had a guardian angel. Do I have one of those? How do I get one? Oh wait, I guess I don't after what I did. I'm really really really sorry, God. I don't know what to do. Everything's all wrong. Why did you take my Lucifer-Angel away from me? I really loved him you know. He gave me this ring and we were supposed to get married. Why did you put Trent in my head, or did I do that? Why is he so evil and bad, and wants to hurt me? You're not going to let him do that, are you? Why'd you let that little kid die? What's going to happen to me when I die? Who am I, God? Do I even have a name? A mom and a dad? Sisters and brothers? Did I ever live in a house? Who was I before I was a stupid vampire?? Sorry, God, I'm kinda mad right now. I know I'm supposed to be nice to you. I just don't understand so many things, like why all those bad things happened to me. Why all the people in my head died and why I'm so lonely and sad all the time. Howcome I can see things no one else can, not even the faeries? Am I really crazy?

Please, please please, God, send me someone who can tell me what's going on. I wanna know, because I believe in you, and I wanna listen to you. Maybe you're a Malkavian too, and that's why no one understands what you're doing, but you know you can tell me. I know I'm not  Malky anymore, but I understand still.

It's so quiet in my head now, God. I don't know what to do with all this space. Maybe I'll rent it out. If you ever want to borrow my head, just let me know, ok? I gotta go to sleep now.

I miss the sun. Please, God, give me nice dreams about the sun. I miss it so much. Why'd you have to take the sun away from me? Maybe tomorrow I'll try and go out in it anyway. Not to be bad, but just because I have to see it again.

I'm sorry I'm so bad, God, but I'm really trying. I'll do anything you want if that'll make stuff better. Please please believe me that I didn't mean to hurt that little boy. I'm super sorry, anything I need to do to make it better, I will. Ok? Is that ok? I hope so. I'm sorry I'm so dumb too, and I have so many questions."Per Christum Dominum nostrum. Amen"

 

bean climbed up on the bed and pulled the covers tight around her. She cried herself to sleep for the tenth night in a row and slept fitfully, dreaming of demons come after her to claim her precious soul for the death of that little boy.