muse
(written around august/september 2000)
hate. hate is a strong word. hate means fear and loathing and burning and violence. do i really hate? if i had to say i hated one person, i know it would be the nameless one, that fucking bitch that tortured me in my youth. i can let go of most things, most people, i can understand, see it from their point of view. i know she was fucked in the head, mentally ill as it were...but she doesn't know, doesn't understand. she'll never admit she's messed up or done anything wrong. she will never know the depth of pain she caused me, because she won't listen to me. or rather, i don't think she will. maybe one day i'll stop hating her. i think i should, i do;t think hate is good for you. like henry rollins says, hate causes cancer. i think so too. how many times has a good day been ruined by someone pissing you off? did you ever realize that maybe they didn;t ruin your day, you did by reacting that way? sometimes it's up to us how we feel. lately i've been awfully poetic...and lazy. the poetic i like, the lazy i don't. hmm...the muse has departed. i have no more words for you now. just a frustration now that knows no ends...ah the muse returns. :) i seem to fluctuate from happy and well-adjusted to miserable and dead. i hate my body, every time i see it i want to tear it up withmy hands, take a knife, pierce the flesh and cut it all away. i tear at myself in anger, frustration. it doesn't matter what people tell me. 'don't dwell on it so much' '"i hate hearing you talk about yourself that way" "it's not so bad" "i think you're beautiful" you know...i wish it were that easy. i wish that i could just get told not to feel this ay and i wouldn't. just like that. but that's not how it works. stop dismissing me, stop telling me that my self-loathing isn't important. it is. it's part of who i am. and if you can't deal with that part of me...there's the door. where do i go from here i wonder? i don;t know how to let go of this pain i keep in my heart. i have to be free of it or i'll never be me...whoever that is.
