whine
(sometime in the spring of 2001)
so i'm sitting here, alone in my apartment. sometimes i wonder, how the hell did i get here? how did i go from cute sweet little girl to...whatever the hell i am. i mean, i rmember having this thing for unicorns. i know it's lame, stop laughing. i mean, it is lame and it isn't. you associalte unicorns most often as an adult with those cheesy gauzy-robe wearing wiccan types, you know, the ones who look like everyone's mom? long braided frizzy hair, they smell like sandalwood or patcholi or spices or something, and they smile all the time and are always willing to tell you just what to do for that tummyache or whatever. it's not that i have anything against these people, it's not that i don't see rainbows and sunshine and it's not that i don't like the sound of the rain or birds or any of that, i do. it affects me just like anything else does. i'm not so distant from life that i can't see or feel or touch how other people are. those happy wiccan preistess types, they're alright. you know what bugs me about them, or anyone else for that matter? they know who they are. they know where they fit. they have a place, a little niche in the world. they have a purpose, a place and a reason. they're happy with who they are, they can just go on buying crystals and selling incense and doing rituals naked in the rain, go for it. enjoy. it's so easy to be bitter towards those people. maybe i can understand other people so well because i've been there, i've tried almost everything, tried being everyone else. now i'm stuck, painted myself into a corner here. i don't really have anyone left to be, aside form the people i can't be. i even tried being "normal" you know. i mean, i didn't go all the way, i didn't shop at the gap or anything but it was close. it scared me when i realized it, let me tell you. even going that far into the uncharted territory of mainstream-ness was terrifying. i suppose i have some form of respect for the people who live the upper-class lifestyle 24/7. i mean, look at them. eveything just...works. they all have cars and homes and dvd players and pretty clothes and they diet even though they don't have to. and you know what? they never have to think. i mean, they can if they want to, but no one is making them. they can just go and go and do what they have to do and never think. it's kind of nice in a way i guess, but i mean, really. who wants to not think for all that time? i mean, whenever i get bored, i always have my brain. good old brain. mmm brains. i have a very rich fantasy life. it's great, i mean, whenever i'm bored or lonely or not wanting to talk to anyone i can just make people up. it's pretty cool, i guess. yeah. um...i gotta go dye my hair.
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