Chris Koleski
Chris Koleski
Chris is a dear friend of mine who died on April 5, 2002. This page has been a long time in coming, mostly because I never knew what to put up (or wasn't ready to share all of it). Below are articles I saved online, links to pages having to do with Chris, and also a collection of journal entries I wrote at the time of his death. There will be more pictures up as soon as I can scan them.
Obituary
Koleski, Christopher T.
Called Home by God April 5, 2002, age 15 years. Loving son of Dale E. Koleski and Gerole L. (Julius) Csaszar. Brother of Samantha, Kortney, Kaylee and Kasi. Also survived by grandparents, great-grandparents, aunts, uncles, other relatives and many friends. Loved by Clarkie, Eric, Mitchell, Connie, Crystal and Joseph. Funeral Mass Tues. 6:30 PM at St. Philip Neri Church, 68th and Silver Spring. Visitation Tues. at the church, 5 PM until time of Mass. In lieu of flowers, memorials to the family appreciated. In the Arms of an Angel.
Publication Date: April 8, 2002
SCHRAMKA FUNERALHOME Milwaukee 414-464-4040
Articles
Questions surround Cedarburg teen's death
The discovery of a 15-year-old Cedarburg boy's body in the basement of a N. Holton St. apartment building is under investigation, Milwaukee police said Thursday.
Christopher Koleski was found Saturday with a plastic bag over his head and a larger plastic bag around part of his upper torso, sources close to the investigation said. The body had been in the basement for several days.
No injuries were visible on the Cedarburg High School sophomore's body, and there was no evidence of foul play in the room in which the body was found, high-ranking police sources said.
Investigators said they think that just before his death, Koleski was with a friend with whom he shared a common interest in heavy metal music. It's also possible, police sources said, that Koleski went to meet the friend at the building in the 2000 block of N. Holton St. where his body was found.
Investigators Thursday were awaiting the results of toxicological tests.
The Milwaukee County medical examiner's office declined to say how Koleski died because police have placed a non-disclosure order on the investigation, Eileen Weller, the office's administrative manager, said Thursday.
Koleski's mother, Gerole Csaszar, said her son had told her that he would be with friends over the school spring break until Thursday and that he would call her for a ride.
"He was supposed to be in Menomonee Falls," she said Thursday. "How he ended up in Milwaukee we don't know."
Police have not told her how her son died. She discounted the possibility that he was using drugs.
"We had family discussions regarding drugs and alcohol, and he said, 'Mom, I'm not into that,' " she said.
She described her son as "a beautiful person who cared deeply about people. He always tried to make everybody smile."
Appeared in the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel on April 12, 2002.
Son was supposed to be in Menomonee Falls, not Milwaukee, mother says
By LAWRENCE SUSSMAN and JAMES H. BURNETT III of the Journal Sentinel staff
Last Updated: April 12, 2002
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Cedarburg teen found dead had used drugs, tests show
By DAN BENSON of the Journal Sentinel staff
Last Updated: May 7, 2002Christopher Koleski, a 15-year-old Cedarburg teenager found dead last month on Milwaukee's north side, was under the influence of cocaine and Ecstasy at the time of his death, according to Milwaukee County medical examiner's toxicology analysis.
A cause of death still has not been determined, said Mary Mainland, a pathologist in the medical examiner's office.
Koleski's blood and urine also contained trace amounts of cannabis and morphine, showing that he had recently used marijuana and opiates but was not under the influence of those drugs when he died, said Susan Gock, a toxicologist with the medical examiner.
Koleski was found dead April 6 in the basement of a known "party house" in the 2000 block of N. Holton St., according to the medical examiner's office.
He had a black plastic bag covering his head and left arm and a towel over his face that was attached to his head by a rubber band, the report says. No visible trauma was discovered.
Family members said they last saw Koleski about 9 p.m. April 1 when he left to go to a friend's house.
The medical examiner's investigative report says Koleski arrived at the N. Holton St. house April 4 and, according to Milwaukee police, seemed to be high on drugs at the time.
He went to the house to see someone named "Kilo" and was last seen alive April 5 while lying on a bed, Milwaukee police told the medical examiner's office. "Kilo" is not identified by name in the report.
Milwaukee police said last month that they do not expect to recommend homicide charges in Koleski's death but have not yet said whether any other charges are possible.
Appeared in the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel on May 8, 2002.
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Man accused of hiding corpse of Cedarburg teen
Body was found in a Milwaukee basement
By DAVID DOEGE of the Journal Sentinel staff
Last Updated: May 23, 2002A man who reportedly told police he hid the body of a Cedarburg teenager in the basement of a Milwaukee apartment building after he died from a drug overdose was charged Thursday with a felony count of hiding a corpse.
Larry Craig Dixon, 31, of the 2000 block of N. Holton St. faces a prison term of up to five years and community supervision of up to five additional years if convicted as charged.
Dixon was charged in Milwaukee County Circuit Court in a criminal complaint that says he told police that he aimed to eventually haul the 15-year-old's body to Cedarburg, present it to his family and apologize, but he "never got the chance" because police happened to be in his neighborhood the night the teenager died.
He instead carried the body to the basement and covered the teen with a variety of materials before going to Madison,where he was eventually arrested, according to the complaint.
The body of Christopher Koleski was found April 6 in the apartment building where Dixon lives by a tenant who went to the basement to turn off a water valve, the complaint says. Most of Koleski's body was covered by a towel, a hooded sweat shirt and a large, black plastic garbage bag, all of which were held in place by a large yellow rubber band looped around the teenager's head, the complaint says.
An autopsy showed that Koleski had heroin, cocaine, Ecstasy and marijuana in his system, according to the complaint.
Dixon later told police that Koleski had partied with him that night before he died and passed out, the complaint says. After eventually realizing that Koleski was dead, the complaint says, Dixon tried to revive him, then fell asleep for several hours and hid the body after waking.
Appeared in the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel on May 24, 2002.
Journal Entries
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Saturday, April 6th, 2002
My dad just called. He wouldn't tell me what was going on, said he had to talk to my mom. This is why.
Chris Koleski's grandpa called my dad to tell him that Chris died. Something about respiratory problems and finding him in a basement. Maybe the Basement? I don't know. But he's dead. From drugs. I know it was drugs, because that's what gave him all those coughing problems. I don't know what to think. I want to cry. And yet I'm only just starting to. I just can't believe it. I'll never see Chris again. Ever. Chris who I was trying to help get off of drugs, because I knew he was better than that. Chris who sat with me last weekend and said he didn't want to live past 20. And now he's dead at 15.. 16?..
This is the first time someone I've really known well has died. And I don't even know what to think. I can't even cry. The only person I told was CeCe... because she should know.
I'm going to go. I can't even think of anything to say.
9:36 pm - shock.
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Saturday, April 13th, 2002
Douleur
expression blocked by pain and fear
hurts to hide
but here they are, displayed with care
i should have been a better friend
you took my hand
all of the days
i keep imagining that you are here
it just can't be
Everyday a little more is found out about his death. Everyday it hurts a little more. Why can't they just tell us what happened? Flashing on the news I see his face, the Cedarburg teen found dead in a basement. The hollow words of his crying mother. They should have had his grandparents up there. They're the ones who looked for him when he was missing for a week. They're the ones coming to the teen center tomorrow to talk with us kids. They're the ones who cared, damn it, and the lies upon lies upon lies are tearing me apart. Why him? Why, oh God why?
The weekend will never be long enough for me to pull myself together. School is lost to me. And the reactions people are having to Chris's death disgust me! People who used to call him an ugly fag behind his back now say that he was the cutest and sweetest guy. Those who hardly knew him claim to have been his best friend, his lover, his soulmate. It is ironic that those who knew him best cried the least. I can't really say why that is, but I would venture to guess that it's because we are not grieving for show. The kids around me talk about him obsessively and without remorse, surrounding me, and I can't stand to hear their lies or even their truths. They cry out, "That's the guy who's dead - I knew him." And I want to slap them for being so insensitive as to yell these things out as if it were a thing to be proud of. People are so fucking disgusting. I am so grateful for the friends I have, the ones that are real. You know who you are, and I love you all so much more than even I can comprehend.
2:17 am - caffeinated sorrow
what will i do when all comes clear?
mind racing,
fingers tracing
cracks in the bricks on the wall
graffiti on the bathroom stall
my hurting side
but if i let it all come free
will i lose my sanity?
when it hits me i can't explain
the blinding fear and inner pain
accusations fly through my head
blaming even the silent dead
such horrors i did not think to find
outside my dark and twisted mind
once again proving that life isn't fair
fifteen years old and dead to me
why did you have to leave so quickly?
finally put the drugs to an end
i cry because i'll never see you
because there's nothing more that i can do
and traced the palm
then told me we'd be friends forever
- but forever is gone
you said i'd live long
but why not you too?
here is where you belong
with me sitting next to you
and all of the hours
lost in a haze
of funeral flowers
every memory
is something to cherish
now that i can't see
your familiar face
agreeing with what i'm saying
except you're the one that died, my dear
and with you there's no replacing
it just can't be
because in my mind
you're still with me...
non jamais oubli?
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9:48 pm - sleepless nights and tearful days
Last night my irrational side came up strong in my weakness. I couldn't sleep at all because I was getting so paranoid, so afraid. I jumped at every little sound and kept thinking that things were moving. I kept thinking that Chris was in the room. In my closet where he once slept when sneaking into my room late at night. In the bathroom where he once puked while I watched for my dad. In every room, watching me. I got so scared. So scared. I woke up Jerry and started crying, but he turned over and fell asleep while I talked to his back. I just keep crying.
I woke up today at 4 p.m. and went to the teen center. Everyone was there for the "memorial". Including the cops, who "questioned" some people - rather rudely, I might add - about Chris and other such things. We watched videos of him recorded at the teen center only a few weeks ago, and when I saw him I laughed but choked all at once. I left and came back, saw that Anna was crying and went over by her to try and comfort her in my quiet way, then when we standing together they showed Chris and he was talking to the camera, and he held up a coca-cola bottle and say, see, it's coke. (like cocaine). And it was so funny, but so sad, that I started to cry again. I held it back though. Anna couldn't I guess. It's hard once you start. I blank out my mind until I can be alone, but sometimes things creep in on me too. The only thing I hate about blanking out is that I seem insensitive to the people around me. When really all I'm trying to do is not cry. Not whimper, not choke, gasp, scream, shiver... whatever. Chris's aunt passed out clothes to the people who knew him (though some people who didn't know him very well grabbed some too). I have his shirt that says "remember my name, you'll be screaming it later".. but only because he had left it at our house or something. Jerry got his pot head shirt.
I can't think straight right now. It's all jumbled. Mostly blank, it's hard to stop the blankness when it starts. Because it's so easy to block off all thought and emotion. Sometimes it's too easy.
All I can think is fuck all of this. Fuck it all. Life has become a cycle of hurt and pain, and it just keeps getting worse. There's always new hurt and there's always new pain, and each time the amount increases so that it cuts us deeper and deeper and deeper. Never let the wound scab over. Never let the eyes close. Feel all of the pain and see all of the horror.
It's so fucking fucked.
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Monday, April 29th, 2002
I fear that no matter how normal I try to become, how kind and sweet I try to appear, how sentimental I push myself to be, I can and will never be as such. I will always be cold at heart. I will always shun other people and dislike them for their faults. Anyone who says that I am beautiful is blind, because inside and out I am ice. Frigid and harsh, bitter and deadly. I cannot warm another as well as anyone could ever warm me. Love may be what I want, but perhaps that is only because I know that I will never have it. Perhaps that is why it is so sacred to me. And why I dare not play at finding it in anyone. Or anything.
I have let emotions throw me off of my course. With the grades I have gotten, I have already ruined much of what I had once sought for. Freedom. My failures restrict me, and I have failed horribly. I can only try to resurrect what has been broken and move on. Though I do not know what emotions may take over in the future. Next month, next week, next day... this night. Which side is me, which side is right and which side will win? I fear that neither side will do. Only me. Only the person inside that cannot be touched and cannot love, but can only be. Neither dark nor light, happy nor sad, just living. Being. Being the best that it can be just by being itself. A person that surpasses appearence, emotion, thought - but instead mixes it all together to create one beautiful thing. Something that I will never be. A mirage, a flame, that flickers deep inside the most shadowy corners of my mind - this is what I want to be. But is this what I am?
I am sure of this - what everyone sees is not what I am. Perhaps some have seen glimmers of the truth, perhaps even I have. But They are only flickers of light in my eye, moments of quiet in my mind... how does one live a moment? How does one live a life.
I use sarcasm to cover my emotions and tears to hide my thoughts. Only the tears that I cry alone are worth anything. None of the laughter I express is real, because I disillusion myself with the sound all too often. Only the laughter that I keep inside is true. The only real things are deep inside. So deep that not even I can get to them. Not when I am like I am. Not when I am running away from it.
I am so afraid sometimes. But why? I suppose that it is what keeps everyone from finding themselves. We fear truth. We fear independence. People marvel at the fact that I can walk away from a group and stand by myself, how can they even begin to know what their true selves are? "You are so independent Arina, look at you. Off in your own little world." Many people have said that. Chris did. Though Chris was one who followed just as easily as I walked away. I think sometimes that if people find the simple things I do to be so different, so out of reach, then what hope do I have... but the fact is that everything is right in front of me, if I only open my eyes. It is difficult to wake from a nightmare. Things pull you down, like an undertow, recycling you back into the monotonous cirlce of what your life has become. Someday I hope to be able to open my eyes, but to me this means leaving everything behind. Everyone. If only I could do it without hurting others and myself. Every time I have tried, it has led to loneliness, hurt, and some form of self abuse - however subtle. Is there no way out? Dreams and memories seem to be my only reprieve. But once again, how does one live these moments?
I'm sure this will all be forgotten tomorrow, but until then I wonder and I ponder and I think...
1:02 am - bitter
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Thursday, May 2nd, 2002
When you've accomplished your tasks, all there is left to do is grieve. I've pulled away from everyone again, but this time I'm not feeling so lonely. I am comforted by memories of Ryan and dreams that I know will never leave me. Of nameless faces that wrap their arms around me in my sleep and promise protection. Imaginary people who make me feel loved. No one in reality could ever do that. And even if they tried, I know that I would not let it happen.
I cried when Phoebe vanquished her demon husband, I cried when Dr. Greene died... I'm not usually that sentimental when I watch t.v. I think that I am still grieving for Chris. Fortuantely I am overcoming lazy depression and am moving on into a schedule in which I get more sleep, visit the doctor, and finish my homework. So far, so good. But where has my creative side run off to? My writing... I miss it. But I don't feel like I can write anything right now. As if whatever's going to come out is going to be hideous - and I wouldn't be able to withstand that. And what do I write? I don't have the patience for poems right now. I want to write a story. A long, descriptive, heart wrenching tale of death and blood and grief... Things that I should know enough about. But I don't know where to start.
I almost cried when Sydney Carton died in a Tale of Two Cities.
I think I need a break. Maybe I'm waking up, maybe I'm falling asleep, but whatever it is, it's not all that bad. Perhaps if I just start writing, something good will come out. I just need the courage to try. I don't know when I'll have that, but right now it's almost as bad as opening a math book. And I did that once already today. How did everything get so lost? Now that I'm trying to pick up the peices, I can hardly believe all the damage I did in so little time.
I should go. Get things done. Write. I have time, don't I? I can't watch t.v. forever. Nor can I forget to print out my science article.
10:21 pm - the soft lull of typing...
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